How I ended up at Aso Rock is a gist for another day. For now, however, may I just tell you that I was an invited guest -- waiting in the north-by-northwest corner of the refurbished media room when the press conference was taking place.
I listened to the President as he made promises. For instance, he promised to end corruption in the oil sector by 2019. He promised to create 25 new federating states and build 15 new universities. He promised to build new prisons for petty criminals.
He also promised to invent new technologies to eradicate stealing and abuse of power. Furthermore, he promised to build Atlantis before the end of 2015.
Two of the most notable promises he made was to (a) end the ruthlessness of the Fulani herdsmen; and (b) to capture the Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau, before the March 28 2015 election.
“That trouble-maker,” the President assured, “would be captured, and his ragtag soldiers decimated before the election.”
The President spoke with passion. He spoke with confidence. He pounded the table and his chest as he made those promises.
He’s had it! He’s mad as hell! What went undone in six years, he doubly assured, would be accomplished in the next four.
Praise the Lord… Hallelujah?? Hallelujah!!! Amen?? Amen!!!! Eyin oluwa logo! Ogo ni fun Eledumare!!!!!!!!!
The President then told his audience and the listening public that he was tired of being disrespected by a public who knew nothing about governance. He said he was tired of not being loved by the Nigerian media. Pounding the table harder, he said he was shocked to know that no one feared him.
Rhetorically, he wondered aloud: “Why is it that that no one love, fears, or respect me in spite of all the good and great things I have done for this country?”
Turning to his Chief of Staff, he asserted: “We have 100% steady power supply; in just five years, I created 10,000,000 jobs; we sent dogs to the moon and men to Mars; we mapped the Indian and Atlantic Oceans; arrested Osama bin Laden; and increased Nigeria’s population by 75%. And I have been declaring my assets every year since 1999. The EFCC no get wahala with my wives.”
Some of the Oyinbo people in attendance were dumfounded, flabbergasted, by the president’s remarks. They wondered: “What’s the source of these assertions and promises and newfound confidence and bravado?” Others simply laughed and walked away.
But not the Africans. Oh no, not the Africans! The Africans, thirty-six in all, exchanged glances and asked: “Na wetin him dey smoke, drink or sniff?
Later in the day, the president tried out his newly minted Commander-in-Chief Uniform. He looked sharp, very sharp!
This President means business. No more joking around. No more stammering and stuttering. No more ojoro, no more wayowayo. He found his cojones, really big and mighty cojones. Or perhaps, he simply borrowed them. There are some Nigerians who can’t tell the difference between real and fake cojones.
In any case, Shekau has been freely roaming the Sambisa and other woodlands for more than five years without fear. Without fear or hesitation he’s been attending meetings in Burkina Faso, Mauritania, Chad, Niger and Cameroon. Once, he was spotted in Timbuktu. At another time, he was spotted at Mount Kilimanjaro.
All of a sudden, the President is threatening him with arrest and prosecution? Chai, thank god for those cojones.
Within minutes of the President’s threat, Mallam Abubakar Shekau sent a reply through the Chadian Intelligence Unit: “YO JONA, CATCH ME IF YOU CAN.”
The President could not believe the speed with which Mallam Shekau responded. After all, the Mallam was hundreds of miles in the Sambisa forest – nowhere near Aso Rock. Abi?
Within minutes of the President expressing his shock, another message came by way of the NSA: “Nnamdi, no fear…I dey Abuja where I sometimes enjoy Isi Ewu…finger licking spicy goat head”
“Mallam Abubakar Shekau is in Abuja…Really?”
“Na lie…who born monkey?” the NSA assured him.
Even so, the President was not going to take chances. He summoned the Service Chiefs. And within an hour the Army, the Police and the SSS effected a quick closedown of Abuja while the President was whisked away to Yenagoa. He was accompanied by 36 prayer warriors.
According to reliable sources, “This quick dash to the village accounted for why he did not address the nation as to why the election was cancelled.”
“The fear of Shekau,” I was told “is the beginning of wisdom.” The only thing they fear more, I was told “is ending up in Kirikiri”
While in Yenagoa, Shekau invited the President for a “meaningful dialogue on the way forward…on how to build and rebuild this country of ours.”
The President was shocked that Shekau spoke English.
Shekau then promised the president that, as a Mallam and a true Muslim, he had no reason to lie to the president. He promised to be honest. He promised to tell the truth. He promised to adhere to international standards and conventions. And he promised to “do no harm.”
He told the president that he had no ulterior motives and promised to attend the meeting alone -- and suggested that the president come alone.
The President, not directing his question at anyone in particular, sheepishly asked: “Him think say na today them born me?”
He downed a glass of something. Then another. And another. And of course there were traces of smoke and whiff of this and that and that and this in the air.
This time he looked at the first of his five wives and whispered: “The man of God, Shekau, invited me for a meeting…Make I go?”
Looking stern and with voiced raised, she said he could but only if 10,000 soldiers and security personnel joined his 2000-men security detail.
When he called his Chief Security Officer to forward the request to the NSA, he was asked: “Oga, have you secured Mama’s permission?”
As of press time, we still don’t know if the president would honor Abubakar Shekau’s invite and make the trip to Sambisa Forest. Stay tuned!
Oh, would there be an election on March 28, 2015? Abi na katakata go burst before and after?
And where in the world is Abubakar Shekau?
Sabidde@yahoo.com